The World’s Richest: A Satirical Countdown of Wealth, Power, and Peculiar Hobbies
By Norman Chad (@GamblingMadShow)
For the 65th consecutive year, I’ve failed to make Forbes’ list of the world’s 100 richest people. Tragic, I know. But while I sit here empty-handed, let’s marvel at those who continue to stack fortunes so tall they could probably block out the sun.
Among the world’s 25 richest, 18 live in the United States, and of those 18, at least one owns a Tesla (shocking, right?). The list spans from age 40 to 94, proving two things:
If you’re in your 20s or 30s, there’s still time to claw your way to the top by middle age.
If you’re even 80 years old, don’t lose hope—apparently, you can still hit billionaire status before bingo night.
Let’s break down the top five titans of wealth. But first, let’s pause to honor the man just outside the podium:
#6 – Warren Buffett ($154 Billion)
At 94 years old, Buffett is the oldest man on the list. He’s made billions while eating McMuffins and recently announced his retirement. But knowing Buffett, don’t be surprised if he gets bored and starts a lemonade stand—or worse, a podcast.
#5 – Bernard Arnault ($178 Billion)
The only non-American in the top five, Arnault is the French founder of LVMH, the world’s largest luxury goods empire. His portfolio includes Louis Vuitton, Moët Champagne, Tiffany & Co., and Sephora. Personally, I’ve never bought an LVMH product, nor do I know anyone who has. If you don’t believe me, come to the racetrack grandstand with me—let’s just say it’s not exactly full of people wearing Vuitton.
#4 – Larry Ellison ($192 Billion)
The Oracle co-founder not only dominates software but also owns an entire Hawaiian island. Imagine owning so much sand that you have private sunsets. He’s exactly 14 years older than me—to the day—and his net worth is 96,000 times greater than mine. Needless to say, we don’t hang out in the same circles.
#3 – Jeff Bezos ($215 Billion)
The Amazon founder has mastered e-commerce and also owns The Washington Post. But while he understands two-day shipping, I’m not sure he understands newspapers. His hobbies include space travel, ocean exploration, dog sledding, and—oddly enough—bending the knee to Donald Trump.
#2 – Mark Zuckerberg ($216 Billion)
The face of Facebook, the chair of Meta, and—let’s be honest—the most unpopular billionaire in America. At just 40, he’s younger than many of his peers but somehow manages to feel older in spirit. His hobbies? Mixed martial arts, guitar, surfing, and—you guessed it—bending the knee to Donald Trump.
#1 – Elon Musk ($349 Billion and counting)
No surprise here. Musk remains the world’s richest man, pulling billions out of couch cushions. He’s not just a billionaire; he’s an elanoo-maniac—a species of his own. His hobbies include video games, space travel, destroying America, plotting global domination, and fathering a small army—one child per state, apparently.
Final Thoughts
So there you have it: the modern Mount Olympus of money. From Buffett’s McMuffins to Musk’s megalomania, the world’s richest aren’t just measured in dollars, but in eccentricities, power plays, and bizarre hobbies.
The rest of us? Well, we may not be billionaires, but at least we don’t have to explain why we own an island, bend to Trump, or try to populate all 50 states.
And who knows—maybe next year, year 66, I’ll finally make the Forbes list.
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